The most horrific and truely scary thing happened to me last night... I was brutally attacked by an enormous killer beast!! A HUGE (and I know I like to exaggerate but honestly, the thing was enormous) bug flew into my apartment last night.

I had opened all the doors / windows in order to air out the funny foosty smell that seems to accumulate around my apartment sometimes, and also so that I could enjoy the pleasurable evening and nice cool breeze floating in. So there I was contemplating my options for the night (and I might like to add that I has specifically left the office early in order to have a rare evening of relaxation) when all of a sudden my haven of delight that is my bedroom was VIOLATED by the arrival of a FLYING COCKROACH !!! I have a problem with cockroaches to begin with, but equip the scummy creatures with sodding wings and you have a recipe for a panic attack.

So, putting my brave boots on I tentatively tried to shoo it away with a broom, failing that I next tried the 'drown in a can of hairspray' approach. This proved to be a bad idea as then I think I rendered his wings useless with glue, but by this time he had already crawled into my light fixture. Helplessly all I could do was stare upwards at his silhouette taunting me through the light shade, cunningly out of reach of the various pokey tools I had assembled for my roach obliteration mission.

I instead gaffa taped a binbag around the light hoping to slowly and painfully suffocate the bastard to death, whilst ensuring he is unable to escape in order to lay evil roach babies in the crevices of my home!
The bag is remaining in place until I am certain possibilities of survival or revenge attack are minimal, or else I am able to convince a braver person than me to exorcise the evil perils of nature away from my vicinity.

Well... NO MORE shall I partake in the pleasures of a spring evening, from now on in its a foosty lock down in order to protect myself against the onslaught of the killer cockroach army!